The Reawakening Of The Young Doctor

Posted on Mon May 9th, 2022 @ 9:15pm by Lieutenant JG Irynya & Lieutenant Kennedy Ryan Walsh

Mission: In the Aftermath
Location: Junior Officer's Quarters
Timeline: Mission Day 2 at 2115

Kennedy made his way to her quarters. He was worried that they wouldn’t be able to have a private moment, but knew that he couldn’t stay in this holding pattern he had set them up for. He found himself toying with pressing the call button. When he heard footsteps against the carpeted corridor he turned worried it could have been one of her roommates. His hand then pressed the button. He brought the hand into his other. It felt clammy and gross. Both of them were and he frantically started rubbing them against his pant legs.

The door slid open with a whoosh at the spoken command and of one of the room's occupants. Irynya had been reading. She was curled up on a corner of the couch, blanket pulled over her legs and cup of some sort of tea in her hand. When she saw Kennedy, though, her heart leapt and her gut twisted at the same time. A sick feeling settled in the pit of her stomach and she frowned, surprise highlighting the uncertainty of her expression.

"Kennedy?"

Kennedy stepped into the breezeway of her quarters and looked over to face her. Butterflies with lobster claws spurned in his belly. The claws seemed to be snapping at his heart when he saw her facial reaction fall across her features. He had been warned by Nurse Lal, Miriam that she may not be completely receptive to him being a presence.

He thought about his next few words carefully. He was pulling various fingers in different directions. He was confusing himself as well as he dropped his hands before, “If… if you have a moment to talk. I’m ready. Whenever, you are. And I’m sorry it's taken me this long. To be. Here.”

His body naturally tried to have him bring his eyes down to his feet but he fought through the difficult urge to do so.

She studied him, quiet, for a moment, eyes searching as if she were looking for evidence that he really meant what he said. Even if he didn't, though, she had promised she would wait and if he was ready now, she had been mere minutes after the crisis started.

"Come sit," she said, indicating the couch. She made no move to get up or shift away from her curled up position to something more open, but she didn't leave him to figure out what to do either.

Kennedy looked around and any roommates that had been in the common space seemed to have dispersed to give them some privacy. He looked over at her snuggling up. He would have offered a more neutral space but knew that she was comfortable. Miriam had mentioned that he would have to do these on amendable terms for her. And that she may not want things to return quickly to the way they were. He had fond memories with her snuggling on this couch.

He found himself finding the closest spot next to the door. Then he shuffled himself a spot closer to her but the gap was quite large. He didn’t know how much space she wanted to have between them. This was already outside of his buffer level of comfort but he now realized he needed to be more for Irynya and not just be a messy human.

She sighed, setting down her PADD and tea and adjusting her position, drawing her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them so that she was facing him, body language functioning like a safety buffer. She hated not knowing how to be with him, but she had a whole week to struggle with how sharing her body as a way to show someone she cared could be a bad thing and now she couldn't figure out how to share with him. "You don't have to sit so far away," she told him.

“Oh okay,” Kennedy stood up and closed the gap between them. They were just under an arm length away with a slight bit of reach. He sat down and looked over at her, “I… found… that… cultural translator tonight… that I mentioned… during breakfast… tea…” His face fell sullen as he didn’t know what to call that morning. It felt so far away yet it felt like it was yesterday, “I know. I’m not the easiest to deal with. I’m… very eccentric. And… well… reactive… I’m a messy human, after all.”

He paused while he started to think on his next words carefully and to give her a moment to respond if she wanted to interject.

She listened, cringing when he referred to himself as a messy human. Those words sounded like Timmoz and she got a quick inkling of who he had spoken with. In some ways that gave her hope, but in others made her pause. Timmoz was more than equipped to explain Risian culture, but she was aware of his views on the maturity of the human race. "Just human," she said quietly. "We're all messy in our own ways."

“Just human... okay…” His cheeks pinked and he continued, “Timmoz told me… I’m not… allowed to be hurt… by… you being Risian. The way, uh, I quickly ran out of here without you telling me what happened between Noah and you.” Kennedy paused while he felt his throat being scratchy. He itched his chin absentmindedly in hopes that it would subside the symptoms elsewhere. He looked over at her, he really, really wanted to look at his feet like he always did to avoid mature adult conversations regarding this subject matter. He had avoided it far too long, “It’s a poor excuse. A poor human excuse to blame my own shortcomings on someone else. That is so much different than my own path, Irynya. I’m scared of intimacy. It's always something I’ve avoided. For far too long and I can’t do that anymore. It’s not healthy. For me, or you. Or anyone for that matter.”

Her eyes narrowed at the mention of not being allowed to be hurt, but she kept quiet. In truth she didn't disagree with Timmoz, but she wasn't sure that simply prohibiting it would work. The explanation that followed, though, softened her expression. "I know you are…" she said, tone quiet. "Afraid of intimacy I mean. I know. I just… I have saved that for you. That moment with Noah… it's something entirely different."

She could see how hard he was trying to maintain eye contact, so she held his gaze even though all she wanted in the world was to bury her face in her knees.

“Timmoz made a dance metaphor that I didn’t understand at first. Then he told me to have a drink to loosen up a bit. But now. The more I think of it. The more I understand what he was trying get me to see. I thought he had gone mad speaking in parables and absolute riddles. That Orion is quite the wordplayer.” He nodded his head realizing he had shifted onto Timmoz instead of her and them. “He told me that you only have eyes for me. And I’m the only dance you want to take. But, the thing between Noah… and future partners doesn’t diminish what… you and I have.”

“I made the wrong assumption and being… messy-.” He had to cut himself off… “I was reactive and should have stayed and listened to what you had to say. I treated you horribly… And… I treated Noah even worse and I can never forgive myself for these transgressions.”

His voice had ran coarse and he didn’t know what else to say. As he continued to look at her. Kennedy… look down at me… your Starfleet Medical boots with orthopedics for full foot arch support, a voice triggered in his subconscious. He ignored it.

Irynya's eyes scanned his face, expression thoughtful. "You are going to have to if this," she lifted one of the hands that was clutched to her legs and gestured between them, "can work. I want to know all of you, Kennedy. But that won't work if you are going to punish yourself for things after we work through them. I… can't… function that way. If you are ready to talk about Noah, then fine. We need to do that. But… if this is the first of a series of self flagellations… I can't…"

“I don’t want to punish myself anymore and I don’t want to punish you or have you suffer through it. That’s unfair to you. And me. I don’t want to beat myself up anymore. I want to leave that Kennedy in the past. That’s not the Kennedy I want to be. Now. In the present.” He was about to shift into a discussion about the harm he had suffered from his religious upbringing and why self-flagellation was the source of not only his misery but his psyche. Which definitely needed correction. He didn’t want that anymore and needed to move past it, “I want to work through all of this. I want to improve myself. Maybe, I need to seek out a therapist. Maybe not Dr. Bracco. Maybe the guy that came back? Karim? Or maybe even Dr. t’Nai can give me a better perspective. Human psychiatrists haven’t worked for me in the past nor the present but that’s based on the merits of my relationship with my mother and that association. I want this to work,” he gestured to her and then himself, “And I want to put the work into bettering myself.”

Teeth pressed into the side of her bottom lip as she thought, worrying it as if it might help her think. "And Noah?" She asked. The Risian was aware she was being pushy, but this was a part that had hurt particularly. In the aftermath of Kennedy's reaction, she had been left unclear on how he expected her to act around Noah. The ease and connection she had felt with him on the beach felt tenuous and out of reach and she questioned every interaction, worrying that a hug or a bumped shoulder, or even a smile, might fall into Kennedy's assertion of what she could only assume was unfaithfulness. Blessedly she and Noah had been largely on opposite shifts, but when they did see each other she had been cautious and she worried that caution would be misinterpreted. Besides that… he, too, was human and had asked her if Kennedy would be ok with what they had done. She was mortified that she had read things so wrong and dreaded to think that Noah might also think her a liar or unfaithful.

Kennedy had to think for a moment about Noah. He had treated him poorly when they were on Talbeethia Prime. And on the Sojourner. His face fell sullen because that’s not how he wanted to be treated himself. He wondered if he should quote Timmoz’s parable, “Can… I quote Timmoz’s parable? Or would that not be helpful for you? Because I can’t stop thinking about it. And saying it out loud will ease any doubts I have.”

She nodded her agreement, hugging her knees tightly. This was the part that worried her the most, that he might insist that she choose.

“Okay,” Kennedy nodded his head. His eyes shifted momentarily to gather what Timmoz had said earlier in the evening, “You chose her but she chose you. Together, you’ve done the hardest part. You see both across the room and chosen to dance. But what dance do you dance? Who leads? Your head says a waltz. She wants a group dance. Granted with you… as her centre player. The final dance.”

“And then he said something along the lines of,” his cheeks flushed his firetruck red colouring as he thought of what he said next, “I don’t know if I should say it… Do you want me to continue?”

Timmoz's example made perfect sense to her, but now she was curious how far he had taken it. "Please continue," she said quietly, resting her chin on her knees.

Kennedy watched her place her chin down on her knees. He nodded his head while contemplating what came next. His cheeks continued to be the bright firetruck red with a tint of a maroonish colour now emerging, “If she… uh.. gives the Midshipman a once around the floor… but her eyes are still on you… think… imagine… how much power that gives you… Her eyes, they are on… you.” He took a breath realizing he had forgotten to breathe, “Her… uh… eyes are on you… I said that already.” He nodded. Her eyes were still on him and he found comfort in that, “You… are her final dance. You are still learning the dance. She is waiting for you, Doctor… But she must still enjoy the dance? Masque? Mask? Dance? Uhm… but… as long as her eyes stay on you, you have… won.”

Kennedy took another breath before continuing, “We never hurt our dancers… dance partners… for enjoying the… dance… mask? Masque? You should also in your own way. What is important is that you go home together… for that last dance.”

His eyes stayed on her while the urge to look at his boots persisted. He wanted her to respond to what Timmoz had told him. He didn’t know if he should continue speaking so stayed silent for her to process the information.

Two hazel eyes looked him over. Her face gave away none of what she was thinking as she considered. "Tell me what you think he means?" She said quietly. It was an apt metaphor and clear as day to her. She would have other partners, others who she enjoyed and who enjoyed her, but at the end of the day the one she loved… who she wanted to come home to, was Kennedy. Those other partners changed nothing about who she loved. They were merely the recipients of her affection–participating with her in the safety of mutual exploration.

Kennedy’s blue eyes interlocked with her hazel eyes. His features softened for a split moment while they held each other's gaze. He nodded his head indicating that he would continue with the meaning of Timmoz’s metaphoric parable. He took a deep breath and then exhaled before speaking, “You’ll have other partners in Jamaharon. You’ll discover each other but you’ll always come home to me. You’ll always love me and I will never lose you… is that true?”

A breath that she hadn't even realized she was holding left her in a rush, some of the tension she felt retreating with the exhale. "It is," she said quietly, "if you are willing. Risians… I… am romantically monogamous. I only love one person at a time." Her eyes dropped to her knees, unable to watch his reaction for the next part. "If you're not willing though…" Fear crept up her throat. "If not… I won't ask you to stay. It wouldn't be fair of me."

Kennedy without giving any thought reached out and lightly tapped her knee with his forefingers. The nerve endings at his fingertips brought it to his brain and he realized where his fingers were, “Sorry.” He retracted his hand and brought them onto his own knee in the form of a holding pattern while he considered what to say next. Kennedy loved Irynya. And Irynya loved him. They had only been dating for a short period but he knew that his heart wouldn’t belong to another, “That. That was my only major worry. That you would fall out of loving me. I didn’t know how to process all of this due to my own fears of intimacies and relationships. I’m more than willing, Irynya. I was just worried that I would be replaced. I don’t want someone to replace me in your heart. I know that sounds foolish but Timmoz’s words of your eyes are set on me, helped me realize how much I love you. I want to do the tango with you,” Kennedy shook his head, “maybe I should leave the dancing parables to Orion word players?”

The smallest hint of a smile pulled at the corners of her mouth. "The tango?" She asked, not sure which dance, exactly, this was. She thought she understood him, though. "Do you understand what you are agreeing to?" She asked then, quietly. "What it means for me to live Jamaharon with people dear to me? Yourself included, but… physically speaking…"

“It’s a very intense dance on Earth,” Kennedy’s cheeks flushed as he didn’t know the tango or any dancing, “I know what I’m agreeing to but I need to start trusting you. As long as, in Timmoz’s words, you keep your eyes on me.”

"And Noah?" She said, not willing to move ahead until this was abundantly clear.

Kennedy nodded his head as he made the concession, “That includes him, Irynya.” His heartstrings were being pulled here in a million directions. He looked at her, “I never expected it could be with someone both of us can care deeply for. And your assurances that you are romantically entangled with me alone are sufficient. I want us to flourish, fall deeply and madly in love, and get married. Maybe one day, we’ll have children of our own.”

“I know that consent on these affairs of Jamaharon is when we’re married. I…” Kennedy froze for a moment. “I just don’t want to lose you.”

She chewed the inside of her cheek. He was saying what she needed him to say, but the panic on his expression and the suddenness with which he had changed, running from her, was still fresh in her mind. She hadn't missed his use of the term affair either. It was a charged word for humans, to the best of her knowledge, and she didn't know how to parse its appearance here. "It might be unfair, but… I need you to be specific about your understanding. I don't want another line that I didn't know about to cause us an issue. And… I need you to let me tell you what happened with Noah. The real thing."

The three words he had said out loud to her replayed internally, Affairs of Jamaharon. He couldn’t take back the word affair and that’s not how he felt here. That wasn’t the best way to put it. Timmoz’s words messy humans repeated internally. No, Timmoz, humans are… complicated. He worried his bottom lip and it was a constant fight not to stare down at his boots.

He felt like he was the only one making compromises here. Then Timmoz’s words that he wasn’t allowed to be hurt repeated in his head. That it was his move to abandon the human concept of exclusivity but he didn’t want that for her. The complexities here were overwhelming and he didn’t know what else to say. Messy humans.

He realized it had been quite a while since he last spoke as he was trapped in his thought process. He didn’t want to provoke her. He didn’t want to hurt her. He had already hurt her. He had let his worry of being replaced by another hurt both of them.

His throat was scratchy, raspy, but he didn’t want to bother her with a request for a glass of water from the replicator. He remembered their first few sessions when they had talked this much. Simpler times when they were getting to know each other.

Messy human.

She sighed and unwound herself, rising from the couch in one fluid movement and making her way to the replicator. "Computer, two glasses of cold water," she requested, quietly watching, heart in her throat, as the golden motes formed into the requested drinks. She brought them back over to the couch, extending one to him while she sipped the other. She stood there a moment before turning and sitting down next to him, pulling one leg up so her knee was brushing his leg.

"I don't need you to agree to all of it," she said quietly. "I just need to know what you are agreeing to. At least for now. And an agreement that we'll discuss it if anything changes."

Kennedy had graciously taken the water that she had brought over from him. He took a long slow sip. The water cooled his throat and felt refreshing. He set it down between both of his hands when Irynya resettled on the couch, her knee brushing up against his leg. He hadn’t realized how much he loved being touched until the two of them started dating and even before snuggling up on the couch, “Timmoz says I can’t put conditions on you being Risian. That’d be unfair to you. To both of us. Certainly, we can reach an agreement but I feel that placing any sort of conditions on you as Timmoz says is messy. I… I love you, Irynya.”

She frowned at that. "Kennedy… Timmoz doesn't set our conditions. And I am not asking you to draw a line in the sand. I am suggesting that we take it in stages. Eventually… yes… I would like you to trust me that if I am intimate with anyone else it has no bearing on my love for you. But I am not so… unfair… as to think that wouldn't eat at you now. Someday… maybe we could enjoy what Jamaharon offers together, or you could explore it yourself knowing that I support you. But for now… let's set a boundary."

She was slow-moving as if she might startle him, but with cautious movement she set her hand on his leg, leaving it there for him to reject or accept however he saw fit.

Kennedy froze when she frowned at him. He took a moment and brought the water glass back to his lips to take a sip while she spoke. He nodded his head after each of her sentences, understanding all the points she was trying to make. He knew that boundaries were important in any relationship and it was important to set them. He wasn’t quite sure what boundaries she would seek here, “I appreciate that and feel more comfortable with taking this in stages and establishing boundaries. I really do.”

They could set the conditions to work together. The thought of him exploring Jamaharon with other dance partners was intriguing but now his eyes were only set on her on the proverbial dance floor from Timmoz’s parable, “Do you want to tell me what happened between Noah and you that evening on the Holodeck? Or do you want to continue going down this path?”

She turned her head away from him, pressing her lips together nervously. She had treated this too casually before, assuming he understood. "I think… knowing about Noah… will help with a discussion about boundaries," she finally answered.

Kennedy looked down briefly. He hadn’t noticed Irynya had placed her hand on his leg. He wondered how long it had been there. He felt it comforting and he lightly set one of his hands down on top of her hand. His fingers lightly moved between hers to hold it there.

She turned back to him, checking for his reaction, but not waiting for permission to continue. "Noah was… is… going through a lot of difficult things right now. And he has been there for me several times when I needed his friendship. I tracked him down on the holodeck because it was late and I was going to offer him my bed again, but when I got there he was doing flight simulations. And he was frustrated. I offered to help, but he didn't want to keep going just then. I asked if he wanted to do something fun. I hate the way Margarar has made him feel and just wanted to give him… a win… I guess. Something encouraging. He picked the beach because of a memory that he has from Earth. The nudity… it was a race. Kennedy, I have no issue with being naked… in front of anyone." She fell silent a moment, struggling to translate the experience into something he might relate to.

Kennedy’s eyes fell sullen and he found himself frowning. The constant urge to shift to look at his feet still remained but this wasn’t because of what transpired between Noah and Irynya on the Holodeck but his own insecurities and fears had taken him out of the initial conversation that she tried to have those few days ago. He hated how Margarar treated Noah from the offhand knowledge that Irynya had told him but most importantly he hated how he treated Noah because of his own failure to communicate and inability to stay present to hear out the woman that he loved regarding their time on the Holodeck.

“I’ve treated Noah so poorly since I stormed out of here that night. I’ve become Margarar, something I’ve never wanted to do. I was so indifferently cold to Noah in his time of crises. I’m worse than her.” His voice fell quiet in almost a whisper but Irynya could hear him, “I’m an awful friend.”

She didn't know what to say to that. Whatever breach might exist between Kennedy and Noah wasn't for her to mend and only Noah could respond to Kennedy's assertion. Instead, she pulled free of his hand. Adjusting so her palm was up and then taking his hand again, threading her fingers through his and setting her hand on her knee so that it was him, instead of her, doing the touching. She squeezed his hand lightly before bringing her other around and lightly tracing patterns on the back of the hand she held.

"We were in the water when I kissed him," she explained. "I kissed him twice. The first time he didn't expect and the second he did. He only consented to it because I said you understood. I honestly thought you did. If I had known… he wouldn't have agreed." She sighed. "Kennedy, I kiss my friends. I touch them… sometimes intimately… but only as a way to share comfort and warmth and connection. To enjoy a mutually pleasurable experience and to give and receive and learn and explore. But none of those things… are because I love them the way I love you."

She turned to make sure he was still looking then, fixing her eyes on his. "I am sorry for not knowing. And for assuming. I am sorry for hurting you even if that hurt was because you thought it was something other than what it was. I am sorry for not being a better guide through this. I love you. And I hope you will be able to forgive those things."

When she was repositioning her hands he thought he had upset her with his revelation about how he had treated Noah. He knew that he owed his friend amends and would make sure the two of them were on better terms. Friends, Kennedy, you have friends. He smiled when she took his hand into her own. He closed his eyes when she squeezed his hand and set their pair of hands onto her knee. Touch, Kennedy. You love touch.

Then she started to describe what happened in the water with Noah. She had first described it as A very Jamaharon-type experience… not formally Jamaharon. His eyes never fell from her while she spoke. He listened to every word intently. He didn’t feel the need for fight or flight. He had always chosen flight. He wanted to fight for her and not against her. Fight for them.

“You weren’t the only one to make assumptions, Irynya. I always thought when you meant you’d wait. You’d wait for when I was ready. I don’t want you to change who you are. You love your friends and express that openly. I cherish that. I wish I knew how to do that myself. Maybe one day, I’ll be there. I certainly hope so. I love you, Irynya. I forgive you.”

Her eyes dropped to their hands a moment before returning to his. She slowly raised his hand to her lips, pressing them softly against the back of his hand before returning it to her knee. "I am waiting until you are ready," she clarified. "I haven't… and won't… have sex with anyone until you are and even then we'll talk about it. It's just… kissing isn't sex. And… I am very careful how I touch you. I don't want you to feel I am forcing you. Or rushing you. Or that you have to move at a pace other than your own. But Kennedy… I want to share that with you. When you are ready."

Kennedy leaned in and gently pecked a kiss on her cheek before pulling his head away. He nodded his head understanding her, “Will you please forgive me for leaving that night instead of talking it through?”

Her expression softened then. "Oh love," she said, tone gently cajoling, "I forgave you days ago."

His face softened when she told him she had forgiven him days earlier. He nodded his head, “I have two things I want to tell you. Three things.”

Her free hand returned to tracing as he spoke. This time she flipped his palm so that it rested in hers. She began at the tips of his fingers, running hers down each and into the bowl of his palm, circling, then returning outward. "I am listening," she answered.

“Firstly, I want to tell you that during our time apart. I never stopped loving and thinking about you.” Kennedy looked down as her fingertips ran down the lines of his hands before returning to look into his Risian girlfriend’s eyes, “Secondly, I want us to move in together. I’m not sure how we can make this possible. I don't ever want to sleep without you. We don’t have to do this right away but know that I… I… need that. And can wait if you’re not ready.”

Irynya's fingers stuttered for just a moment as surprise registered on her features. But she composed herself quickly, resuming her tracing even as she scanned his face, trying to pick apart if this was something he wanted or something he thought she wanted him to offer. There was no trace of uncertainty in his expression though and she found herself swallowing hard at the thought, mind already running several steps ahead to how such a thing could even be made possible. With a slow nod she acquiesced. "Ok," she said. "And the third?"

=/\= A Resolution Between =/\=

Lieutenant Kennedy Ryan Walsh
Chief Medical Officer

Lieutenant JG Irynya
Assistant Chief Flight Controller