Talk to Me

Posted on Wed Apr 13th, 2022 @ 10:05pm by Lieutenant Kennedy Ryan Walsh & Lieutenant JG Irynya

Mission: Sojourners of Time
Location: Debbie's Diner
Timeline: Mission Day 6 at 0900

She had waited.

Posted up on the couch with a PADD and a cup of coffee, Irynya had waited. It had taken her a little time to get through the tears, but once the shock of what had happened settled, she fought them back. Her roommates had checked on her, or ignored her in Margarar’s case. She’d waved Noah and Sheldon both off with lame excuses that she was just working on something.

When hours passed she finally got something from the replicator, not feeling comfortable enough to leave the room in case Kennedy came back. Finally, up far later than she should have been, her eyes fell closed, and she slept, tossing and dreaming vague dreams where she was insufficient for everyone, not enough to be loved and too much for anyone to want to deal with.

She’d startled awake when the door of the room she and Sheldon shared slid open and her roommate had exited, ready for his shift, and stopped to gently shake her awake.

Now she was stepping into Debbie’s, hair hastily tied back and uniform on, though her face made it clear she hadn’t slept well. She had circles under her eyes and lips that were nearly always smiling were pressed flat, barely letting a grimace free.

In the time since Kennedy had gotten his own room in senior crew quarters they had fallen into a rhythm. On days like today they would meet for breakfast. Maybe, she rationalized, he would be there. Maybe they’d talk and this whole terrible thing would be clarified and they could return to the comfortable new love they were enjoying.

Maybe.

Kennedy had walked barefoot from the Holodeck last night. Once he had gotten back to his quarters he had a restless night filled with anxiety-driven dreams. From the little of what he dreamt anywhere from Irynya breaking up with him to him walking in on Noah and her. He didn’t sleep well. He walked into Debbie’s without realizing he was wearing a pair of slippers he wore around his quarters while dressed in his uniform.

He had arrived well-before Irynya had arrived. He looked at their regular booth. The same booth where Timmoz and him broke the ice the morning after he passed out at the sight of him with the rest of their roommates. The last time the four of them were together before he was promoted to the rank of Lieutenant and as Chief Medical Officer. He had sat down at that very table. He had ordered his usual Irish Breakfast Tea and was contemplating if he had time for breakfast.

Her eyes scanned the diner, settling on the painfully familiar head of the man she had fallen for. From behind she could imagine he was eagerly awaiting her, that dimpled smile on hand to light his face when she came around into his sight. For a moment she debated turning around. Surely if he’d wanted to see her he would have reached out. Sent a message. Anything.

But the not knowing was eating at her. Were they done? Had his walking out of her quarters been his way of choosing also to walk out of her life? The questions spiraled in her brain until she realized, as a crewman ducked around her, that she was blocking the entrance.

“Sorry,” she murmured, stepping further into Debbie’s. She sighed, drawing a deep breath and putting one foot in front of the other until she stood at the end of the booth.

“Hi,” she said, voice barely registering above a whisper. She realized it was too quiet and tried again. “Hi,” she repeated a bit louder. Her eyes scanned him, but couldn’t keep her eyes on him as fear took hold.

Kennedy heard the faint familiar voice from beside him at first. He didn’t know if it was the phantom ringing of her voice from the night before until he heard the two letter word being said. In that moment his hands reached out in front of him if he were searching for something. The server hadn’t brought his morning cup of tea as they folded entwined together. He looked up at her like a wounded, frightened animal. He mustered to respond with, “Hi Irynya.”

She stood there, uncertain and feeling the tears from the night before that she had so effectively banished prick at the corners of her eyes. “Hi Kennedy,” she said, repeating the greeting again. She swallowed hard. “Can… can I sit?”

Kennedy slowly eyed across the table to the empty seat across from him then panned back to her. He had a lot to unpack from the evening before. He wasn’t certain if now was the perfect time for the two of them to discuss. Even though he was angry, upset and still felt betrayed; he still loved her. He knew where Doctor Emni t’Nai came from the night before but still needed time apart to figure everything out. He gulped and gestured to the seat across to him offering the seat, “Sure.”

She hesitated, sensing that although he had agreed he might be happier if she wasn’t there. But her need to know, even if knowing was going to hurt, overrode the hesitation and she sat quickly staring at her hands. She opened her mouth to speak, but closed it just as quickly, not knowing where to even begin.

Kennedy watched Irynya sit down across from him but once the two of them were level at the table he couldn’t keep eye contact with her. His eyes fell to his hands that were on the table. The server momentarily brought him his tea. His hands were quick to wrap around them. The server had turned to Irynya, “Would you like anything to drink, Ma’am?”

Irynya shook her head, not quite trusting her voice. “No, thank you,” she finally croaked, offering the server a weak smile.

The server left their table and the warmth feeling from the mug was soothing. His eyes slowly looked up to her. He was about to speak but his heart ached and he closed his mouth. They were both struggling here. He could see it across her face. He hated seeing her like this but she had hurt him. It wasn’t her fault. It was a fault of his own and he had to live with that guilt.

In some ways the silence was worse than anything he could have said to her. If they couldn’t talk, how would they ever find their way through? But still the silence stretched on until finally she couldn’t take it anymore.

“I… I need to know if you’re done with me,” she said, voice cracking slightly as she said it. “I can’t go through the rest of the day not knowing. I can’t do another night not knowing.” She swallowed back the lump that threatened to choke off anything more she could say. “If you’re done with me… please… I’ll go… I just need to know.”

Kennedy gently pushed the tea in front of him aside. His face fell sullen and he shook his head, “I’m not done Irynya. I… I… just don’t know how to nav-i-gate through this… I need time to process through this all. I’m not saying, I’m done here by any means. I… I’m hurt.”

Hope flared for a moment when he told her he wasn’t done with her, but it was quickly banked. “I don’t know what to do about that,” she told him. “I don’t want you to be hurt. That’s… that’s never been a thing I wanted. But I also… I don’t even know where to start. I’m Risian, Kennedy. I don’t know how to not be Risian.”

“Well, I am hurt.” He said quietly. His hands came to cover both of his cheeks while he looked down at the table’s enamel surface. One of his hands shifted and gently tapped on the table surface before he realized he was only buying time. That wasn’t fair to both of them here and he returned to look across at her. He dropped the final hand down between the table and himself. He placed it on his knee. “I don’t want you not to be yourself. I thought we were going to navigate through this together. We hadn’t discussed this happening. I always thought I’d be consulted beforehand and that’s not the case.”

Kennedy shifted his hand upward and leaned his forehead into the palm of his hand, he shifted his head’s weight onto it while he twirled his hair like he normally did when he was frustrated with a situation, “Doctor t’Nai thinks we need a cultural translator. I don’t know who that’ll be.”

“Doctor t’Nai…” Irynya repeated slowly, face coloring slightly. “I…” she shook her head. One thing at a time and at this point she hardly felt she had a right to ask why he would have spoken with the Romulan XO instead of staying and talking this through with her.

“It’s not… normal… on Risa for a partner to be consulted for consent to any kind of intimate activity outside of the relationship. The only exception is when Jamaharon is being formally undertaken. Then, if one of the parties is married, the spouse who is not participating also has to consent.” She sighed. “Kennedy, I don’t know what you think Noah and I did, but… it wouldn’t even normally rate consent from a spouse.”

“I… I really don’t want to talk about Noah right now,” Kennedy replied. “All of this? Between you and I? Is entirely a brand-new relationship aspect for me. I’ve never had this before. We were both raised on two separate worlds entirely.” He looked down at the caffeinated drink he couldn’t bring himself to drink.

Her expression clouded. How could they not talk about Noah right now? What he thought had happened… and she wasn’t even sure what he thought… was the whole point. The entire hurt. If they didn’t talk about it… She felt frustration start to build behind the wall of fear and failure that ran through her. “Do you think I don’t know that?” she asked, some of the frustration creeping into her tone. “Do you think I haven’t already been trying to figure out how to navigate this? It is not as though I have ever been romantically involved with a human before.”

The frustration started to build up steam and the lump was back in her throat again. She felt like she was screaming at herself internally. Not enough. Not good enough. The fears and hurts that she had dreamt the night before manifested as deriding voices in her head. “We have to talk about Noah,” she finally said. “I don’t know how to… to… do this and not figure out that.”

Kennedy shuffled backwards in his seat in the booth with her frustration creeping in. His greatest fear from the night before began to take root–that this was entirely his fault. He sank down as his eyes couldn’t redivert from her own. He didn’t know what to say and he didn’t want to upset her any farther than he had.

Tan fingers raked her hair as if somehow that might shake loose the answer of what to do. Finally she sighed, all of the fight leaking out of her leaving her feeling cold and exhausted. “We don’t have to talk about Noah,” she relented, “yet… but… we will eventually. I don’t understand and I don’t know how to understand if we can’t talk, but… not today. For now… how do you want this to work? We’re not together for a while? Do you want me to go away until you have processed what you need to process? Do you need to…” she stopped, throat constricting again even as she forced herself to say it, her voice coming out strangled, “consider… if you still want to be in love with me. If it’s really worth it.”

He knew that the two of them would have to discuss Noah at length at some point but he wasn’t ready for that conversation. He wasn’t ready for this as his mind had continued to focus that it was his fault that she sought out another because he wasn’t ready to be intimate. He shook his head, “It hurts because I’m in love with you, Irynya. I can’t stop being in love with you either.” He pointed at her and then himself, “I still want us to be together. I just need to process this,” he put his hands palm up in the air, “And I don’t know how long that’ll take me.” He frowned, “I’m not the universe’s greatest communicator and I feel like I’m doing an inadequate job communicating here.”

She bit her lip, teeth pressing hard on it as if that distraction might help her here. It didn’t though and she relaxed her jaw, feeling the flesh of her lip pull away from her teeth slowly. Finally she sighed, the exhale of breath slow and even. “I’m in love with you too,” she said softly. “If time is what you need then… I can give you that.” She forced herself to look at him, expression grim. “I need to know how you want me to act around you until… until you decide you are done processing. Do you want me to leave you alone entirely?”

Kennedy shook his head, “No. I don’t want you… to leave… me alone. I…” he found it difficult to speak, “I… think it's best we keep seeing each other… but… here at Debbie’s.” He frowned, “Maybe we should seek out couple’s counseling with Doctor Bracco?” Kennedy shrugged his shoulders as he was uncertain. His mind still went to what Doctor t’Nai had said the night before a cultural translator, he doubted that they would find that in Doctor Bracco but he hadn’t had the faintest idea.

The Risian pilot was quiet, hands set palms down on the table in front of her. She inspected them as though they were the most interesting thing in the world. “Ok,” she agreed. “I’ll keep our schedule for being here. And I’ll give you time to process. But Kennedy…” here she looked up. Her expression was sad, the rejection she was feeling plain on her features. She opened her mouth like she wanted to say something and then closed it, shaking her head. She slid out of the booth, standing and coming around to his side where she stopped, hesitating again. With one swift and graceful movement she dipped, brushing her lips against his cheek.

“I’ll see you later,” she said quietly. And then she turned and, not looking back, left the diner swiping at her eyes as she went.

Kennedy watched Irynya step out of their booth. He wondered what she was about to say. The voices of unreason and certainty started to claw back at him when he watched her leave the diner. His eyes fell down to the booth’s table and then at the untouched cup of tea. He didn’t want to be here any longer as his nerves were eating at him. He gave it another few moments before stepping out of the booth realizing his slippers were on his feet. He frowned and realized Irynya would have had a laugh. Except he wasn’t laughing, but a tremendous sadness weighed on his shoulders.

=/\= A post by =/\=

Lieutenant Kennedy Ryan Walsh
Chief Medical Officer

Lieutenant JG Irynya
Assistant Chief Helmsman