What Happened?

Posted on Tue Aug 24th, 2021 @ 3:39am by Lieutenant Kennedy Ryan Walsh & Lieutenant JG Irynya

Mission: The Place of Skulls
Location: Junior Crew Quarters - Deck 4
Timeline: Mission Day 5 at 0700

The rest of the day had been a blur. After the lights went out it had become apparent to Irynya that getting to the bridge to relieve Ensign Ellsworth would not be a quick process. As secondary power had begun to kick in there had been enough light to travel by and she had eventually made her way to the bridge, arriving just after Ellsworth took them out of orbit. She had tapped her out then, telling her to go take a break and took over the rest of Eleanor's shift in addition to working through her own. She hadn't returned to her quarters until after 2200 at which point she had simply crashed and now, 9 hours later, her eyes flickered open and she stretched, back arching like a cat as an enormous yawn overtook her.

She wanted to stay in bed. To pull the covers back over her head and sleep until she was so done with sleeping that she could barely stand to lay still. Instead, she swung her legs over the edge of the bed, bare feet meeting the floor lightly. Quietly she made her way out to the space she shared with her three male roommates. The common area was quiet, lights still low, as she made her way out. Groggily, she made a beeline for the replicator, tugging her shirt back into place, the fitted material riding up as usual. Her pajama shorts were long enough that she didn't feel like she would offend anyone.

The replicator panel lit up at her approach and she leaned an arm against the wall next to it, placing her forehead against the wall just beneath.

"One coffee, hot, cream and sugar," she murmured to the replicator, watching as the miasma of swirling lights coalesced into the desired beverage. Taking the cup from the space she made her way over to the couch, curling her legs under her and wrapping her hands around the warm cup. She didn't know what the day held, but she could at least start with a quiet moment first.

Kennedy had managed to hold himself together following his pep-talk with his superior and friend Doctor Emni t'Nai after the events on the surface. He was able to reset Security Officer Joval's injuries easily enough. He managed to get through the rest of his work day. He had retired to their quarters but was only able to get an hour or so of sleep before he found himself woken in terror. It felt unfair to his roommate if he woke up screaming so he made a bed for himself on the couch in the common area without a blanket. He was still asleep as Irynya entered the room.

Still bleary-eyed, she made her way over to the couch, spotting auburn hair peaking out from beneath a blanket. Kennedy looked younger asleep, as if sleep somehow wiped clean the awkwardness that seemed to follow him around. His face was calm, and breathing even, and for a brief moment she had an urge to tuck a shock of hair that had fallen into his face behind his ear.

Instead, she settled onto the other side of the L, shaped couch, feet curled under her, and sipped her coffee quietly for a few minutes, listening to the low thrum of the ship's engines and Kennedy's quiet breathing. The coffee felt like a blanket of warm comfort as she sipped, a reminder that days like yesterday were not the only types of days. For a long moment she debated whether she should replicate a second cup and crawl back in bed or if she should simply return hers to be recycled and get a shower.

Kennedy continued to sleep calmly for a few minutes before he begun to move back and forth almost in a complete panic. Still asleep he begun to murmur, "No... no... no... please... let me... help them... no..." he shifted slightly before his leg shook into the air. He gasped finding it hard to breathe. He woke up. He shot up almost in a shriek of a cry. Uncertain where he was or who he was as he looked around sleepily not seeing Irynya nearby. His body dropped back into his makeshift bed as his head hit his pillow he actually woke up. He begun to shiver holding the blanket around him tightly as he lowered his head in shame.

Kennedy still oblivious that someone was in the common room with him stood up. He shoved his head into his hand whimpering as the dream was so real. He didn't know what to do.

Irynya had stilled when Kennedy began to toss, not sure if she should try to wake him or if the moment would pass and he would fall back into an undisturbed sleep. The moment didn't pass, though, and when he sat up quickly with a cry of pain it startled her, sending her coffee sloshing in it's mug. Carefully she set it down, standing and hurrying over to where he was now standing, clearly unaware of her presence.

"Kennedy," she said, her voice gentle. She was afraid to touch him--afraid it might scare him rather than calm him, but she couldn't leave him to simply stand there, and so when she said his name again she laid her hand gently on his upper arm. "Kennedy..." she said a little bit louder, waiting until her registered her presence. "Are you ok?"

Kennedy was breathing pretty coarsely as he begun to refocus. He heard a familiar voice in the distance but wasn't sure if he was still dreaming. He looked pushing himself against the side of the wall. He closed his eyes and reopened them. It was Irynya asking him of he was okay. He wrapped his arms around him while he sat up on the arm of the couch shaking his head that he wasn't okay. He tried to speak but the words wouldn't come out.

Slowly, she moved until she was standing in front of him, placing her hands on his upper arms. "Ok," she said, acknowledging that she understood that he was not ok. "You can nod or speak if you want to, but try to focus on me for a moment ok?" She took a deep breath, in through her nose and let it out slowly through her mouth, modeling what she wanted him to to try. "You're on the Sojourner," she told him as she continued to maintain a steady series of breaths, "and in your quarters. You were asleep. It was just a dream. You're safe." Her voice was low and steady, the calm neutrality of it as she spoke a direct contrast to the panic etched on his face. "You're safe," she repeated.

Kennedy stared at the fall wall point blankly. He looked over to Irynya slowly, hoping he wouldn't see the horrors he saw in his dreams. It took a moment for his eyes to readjust and focus. Her face was peaceful and helped ground him back into the reality of the present. He was still speechless, embarrassed and still very frightened, "I tried... I couldn't save him... I couldn't save you ... I couldn't save them... I just froze..." Kennedy looked down as the tears begun to well up in their ducts. He held his hands to his face wiping them away.

It was clear whatever had been in that nightmare had been extreme. "Woah," she said gently, "We're all here. We're all ok." Had he said something about saving her? "I'm right here, see?"

She stuck her hand out, putting it in his a moment so he could see she was real and not some dream horror. "Can you take a deep breath?" To be sure she completed the action again taking a deep breath in through her nose and then pushing out out through her mouth. She paused, watching to see if he would follow her instructions.

Kennedy's hands crawled down his cheeks before placing them on his lap very tightly. He nodded carefully understanding every word she was saying. He breathed in deep and exhaled which helped calm him more. His hands then moved apart which went down to his knees to rest. He still felt exhausted from the lack of restful sleep. He returned to look at Irynya then back to his feet on the couch. He realized where he was now perched up on the armrest against the wall. He slid down slowly onto the couch and sat there properly. He felt a burden of shame that Irynya saw him there in this moment.

He realized that he wasn't in his normal sleepwear but a Sojo t-shirt and gray Starfleet issued briefs that he enjoyed. He felt very underdressed and vulnerable. He begun to panic but remembered the breathing exercise that Irynya instructed him earlier. It helped ground him more. When his breathing returned to slightly above average for him he looked over to her, "I.."

Irynya rose quietly, walking across the room to the replicator to give him a moment. Whatever had upset him had clearly been wearing on him all night. She wondered he had come to be out on the couch and how many times he had half awoken before this without any semblance of calm. Ordering herself another cup of coffee, and cold water for him, she let out a breath.

Crossing back over to him, she settled onto the couch next to him one leg tucked up beneath her so she could face him while the other remained on the ground.

"Sip," she insisted, handing him the water. "Take a sip and then start again."

Kennedy looked at the glass of water and then up to her quizzically before understanding. He moved both hands in unison to take the glass of water from him. He brought the cup to his lips and took a small sip from the glass before lowering it down. He swallowed the water. He paused for a moment before raising the glass again to his lips for one small sip and brought the glass just below his chin. He looked over to Irynya, "Thank you." He paused momentarily before speaking very rapidly and almost incoherently "I feel so... so... so... helpless... and... powerless.... I saw... Lieutenant Giorgiou gunned down and I couldn't do anything to help him in that moment. And now he's in stasis waiting until we head back to a starbase." He froze. He felt like he wasn't being truthful and forthcoming, "I pissed ...myself... Irynya! I pissed my pants! ... While I watched a comrade get a disruptor blast to the chest."

Kennedy hung his head in shame and terror. He didn't recall the night terrors he had the night before but he didn't want to relive the events that occurred the day prior. He took in a deep breathe while he brought the glass back to his lips. He sipped, spitting it back up into the cup as he was unable to do both. He focused on returning his breathing to normal. He took a long sip of the water, swallowing down the contents before taking another longer sip.

Irynya listened as he spoke, carefully keeping her facial expressions neutral. She knew that the away team had clashed with a group of Orions on the surface and that three of the crew had been injured--Lieutenant Giorgiou among them. And of course she had known Kennedy was on the team. Still, she was struggling to know what to say. Finally, settling her mug in one hand balancing it against her leg as she spoke.

"Did you shoot Lieutenant Giorgiou?" she asked quietly and pointedly, knowing full well that the answer was no. Not waiting for his answer she continued. "What about watching it happen -- were you standing idly by or were you in the same boat as everyone else, standing at the business end of a disruptor?"

She picked her coffee back up, sipping quickly before returning it to its prior spot. "Kennedy, you did nothing wrong. You were witness to something horrific and shocking, but none of it was your fault."

Kennedy tried closing his eyes but quickly reopened them so the events of yesterday wouldn't repeat. He focused on the sound of Irynya's voice and the half-empty glass in his hands before him. He knew that he wasn't responsible for anything that happened yesterday but maybe if he was a second or two faster with scanning the remains on the planet's surface and the discovery of a Chameloid. He took in a deep breathe. His hands reached up to lift the glass to his lips as he took another long sip of the water, "I think my mother was right. I should have never went behind her back to enlist in Starfleet like my Uncle Ben. I should have remained in Ireland. I would still be in medical school. Nothing like this happens back home in Drogheba."

Except he never uttered those words as he bit down on his tongue hard. He looked at the half empty glass. He looked at Irynya with a conflicted yet confused look, yet extremely fearful. He nodded his head as his teeth rose up. He took the last sip of water revealing that he bit too hard onto his tongue and placed it down onto the floor. He repeated himself out loud once again as he placed his face into his hands towards the floor, "I peed myself."

Irynya was quiet for a long moment. The two of them sat in the quiet, breathing through the moment until finally she spoke again, her voice quiet and contemplative. "I wasn't on the away team during the Adelphi's last mission," she began. "Second string pilots aren't usually the first choice for a mission on the ground." She paused again, considering her words carefully. "While the away team was on the ground, the Vidiian's attacked the ship. I was the pilot on duty with Lieutenant Timmoz on the ground. We took refuge in a nearby nebula. Eventually we determined we would have to disable the Vidiian ships if we wanted to escape and so we put a bomb on a shuttle for me to pilot remotely. We had to be in close proximity for it to work and when we finally did set it off I remember watching as it seemed like their ship hemorrhaged people. Their faces..." she sighed. "I had nightmares about it the entire trip trip back to the Alpha Quadrant and still had moments where I couldn't shake it after I was home on Risa."

She had taken to running her thumb along the edge of her coffee mug as she spoke as if doing so might ground her in the moment. Even now the faces of the dead men and women, frozen in shock and fear as they spun away form their ship into the frozen expanse of the nebula could be drawn to mind with only a tiny amount of effort.

"I guess my point is, we're in Starfleet and sometimes that means bad things happen. Sometimes we do things or don't do things that feel really awful to us. And not a single one of us can know how we're going to react until we're put in that place. That doesn't make us bad officers. That makes us real people." She looked up from where her thumb continued to trace the cup. "Do you understand?" she asked, not sure she was getting through the panic and fear to a place where he could take in what she was saying.

Kennedy took in another deep breathe as it became evident that Irynya related to what he was going through and looked over to her from the glass. He had calmed down from the night terror he had woken from, "We are Starfleet." Kennedy said out loud to feel reassurance, "You are Starfleet." He reassured her even though she probably didn't need it, "I am Starfleet." He closed his eyes tightly remembering being pinned the solid and half pip at his graduation ceremony from Starfleet Academy, "I am Starfleet."

"Thank you," Kennedy looked over at Irynya. "I really needed this. Thank you."

She nodded, a tentative smile on her face. "Of course." She held out her hand for his now empty glass. "Would you like a refill?"

"Yes please," Kennedy realizing he hadn't removed both of his hands from the glass as he was absentminded from the conversation and the lack of sleep. He gently grazed her hand. Realizing his hands were both still on the glass, colour returned to his cheeks in a hue of pink. "Sorry." He slid the hand closest to her hand onto his lap.

She grinned as Kennedy's cheeks pinked before taking the cup from him and unfolding herself from the couch. She ordered a fresh glass of water for him and a granola bar guessing that he may not have eaten much in the last day.

"Here," she said, offering him both as she returned. "You should eat something too."

She settled back down onto the couch, one leg once again drawn up underneath her while the other remained on the floor. Her foot bumped his lightly her toes meeting socks before drawing back a few inches to give him space.

Giving him a moment she picked up her half empty mug, sipping it and finding it cold. Gently she set it back down.

"You should try to get some sleep if you can," she remarked, not sure if he still wanted to talk or if might prefer to be alone.

Kennedy gingerly took the glass of water from Irynya once it was offered with his preferred hand. He looked at the granola bar and looked up at her, "I'm not hungry but I'll try to." He accepted the granola bar. He sipped on his water before placing it down to open the granola bar's wrapper. He knew he should sleep but he was worried about the terrors again, "I don't know what to do. I'm worried about having those dreams but I'm also due to be in Sickbay at 0900." He took a very small bite of the granola bar. He found it very chewy. Reaching over with his free hand now that it was open to help wash the granola down.

He noticed her foot gently graze his. He looked down at her bare feet and back up into her eyes not bothered by the human touch as he slowly took another bite of the granola bar.

She nodded. "I should leave you to it then so you can get ready for your shift." She stood slowly, collecting her mug so she could return it to be recycled.

She was halfway across the room before she paused, turning back to look at Kennedy where he sat on the couch. "It takes time for the dreams to go away," she said, her face resuming the calm seriousness of earlier, "but they do go away. Until then, though, I'm always happy to listen." A small smile on her features she turned back to the replicator, recycling her mug, and then disappeared the doors of her room.

Kennedy appreciated that Irynya would be there for him. As the door swooshed close as she entered her bedroom he frowned that he was alone once again. He finished the granola bar and downed the water before returning to the replicator to dematerialize. He paused briefly before he hit the button. He would quickly get ready for his shift and get there early than sooner with not wanting to be alone.