Mea Culpa

Posted on Sun Jul 3rd, 2022 @ 1:22am by Ensign Noah Balsam & Lieutenant Irynya

Mission: In the Aftermath
Location: Junior Crew Quarters, Deck 4
Timeline: Mission Day 7 at 0730

[Day 6 - 2330]

The swoosh of the doors pneumatic system was soft and yet felt loud in the quiet of deck 4 as Irynya returned to her quarters. She passed silently inside, slippered feet rasping softly while the smell of warm oils and gardenia trailed after her like an alluring shadow. Hazel eyes scanned the room's interior and, finding it empty, settled on the bedroom door furthest from the entrance. She stood there, still, for a long moment as if doing so might call forth Noah. But no, that was her own guilt talking, begging to be assuaged. That wasn't how apologies were meant to work.

"Computer," she murmured quietly. The light tone of the computer sounded in the space acknowledging her voice. "When is Midshipman Noah Balsam next scheduled to be on duty?"

"Midshipman Balsam's next watch begins at 0900," the computer informed her in its neutral confidence.

Nodding at no one, Iry moved to the replicator and keyed a rapid sequence into the interface. A piece of old-fashioned-looking paper with a writing implement appeared and she took them up and moved over to the common room table, scratching out her message free-hand. She read it over twice and then, with a yawn, conceded that it would have to do. One last trip to the replicator produced a tin of long papery thin confections filled with a thick chocolate and hazelnut cream. She set the tin on the note and, glancing one last time at Noah's, made her way to bed.

---

[Day 7 - 0730]

Consciousness came with the vague feeling of shoulder tension- and a gnawing ache in his jaw. Noah sat up and shivered when his bed sheets sloughed down his chest. Eyes narrowing, he reached to rub the tightness in the hinge of his jaw. Stress clenching? He had only thin memories of doing that before the Argyre Planitia Suvival Test back in first year of Academy.

"Computer," he groggily rubbed his face, his voice feeling like his tongue was dry and twice as thick as usual. He sniffed. A wave of disorientation tickled and swam the back of his head. "What time is it?"

"The time is 0731 hours, 12 seconds." The flat-affected statement came from the computer. Noah blinked through it when he swept his eye nook for sleep crust.

"What is my schedule today?" He asked groggily. Noah got up, pulled the Tardis-motif leg of his shorts down from its sleep-bunching, and began to toddle toward the bathrooms. The bedroom door hissed up on its smooth, silky pneumatics.

"0900. Report to Dorsal DOT Storage Bay. Reformat DOT priority decision matrix protocols. 1130. Report to Timmoz, Pilot Certification. 1300. Report to Main Shuttlebay..." The computer went on but Noah was distracted when he heard a soft clank- and he felt himself almost step on something. It crunched. Noah looked down at a piece of paper and a tin of pirouline candies.

His broad mouth fixed in a line and he stooped to pick them both up. With a tinny sound, Noah put the tin under his arm while he studied the note. He gasped- the tin was lukewarm at best against his underarm. But he endured it. He read the note out loud. "Can we talk?" Risa symbol. Heart. Noah briefly wondered if Risians had adopted the Human symbol of the heart- which was in essence an upside-down set of buttocks. Not so romantic. Like saying, I love you. Here's a drawing of a butt.

Noah muttered for the computer to pause as its voice seemed to track him toward the bathroom. He set the tin of candies aside and went to use the bathroom then came outside. He went and knocked on Irynya's door.

If Irynya had been sleeping she might have missed Noah's knock. She wasn't though. Dozing might have been the best description, but realistically she had been up every hour on the hour throughout the night. Sleep hadn't been her friend. With a glance at Sheldon's bed she slid around and sat up, tugging her T-shirt down from where it had determinedly lodged itself around her waist.

A second knock sounded and she glanced again at Sheldon holding her breath as he shifted in his sleep. He settled quickly though and she was to the door then moments later. The door slid aside to reveal Noah who looked as if he was only just awake and at the sight of him her heart clenched and her stomach dropped as one. "Hi," she said softly, sleep still heavy in her voice.

"Is everything better?" Noah asked. "Also, uh, Morning." He added. He opened the tin, gave it a slight wafery-sounded shake, and presented the opening to the Risian. "Too early for candy?"

One tan hand ran through her hair as if doing so might somehow tame the halo of bedhead she had going on. She gave Sheldon one last glance and then stepped out of the room toward Noah a warm tentative sort of smile lighting her features before she nodded. "I'll tell you about it if you're up for it. But before that, Noah..." she trailed off looking at him with more worry than she felt she had a right to. "I'm so sorry. For the last week. For messing all of this up. For not being there for you when I should have been. For not explaining what was happening. That wasn't fair to you and I am sorry."

Noah hated that look. Or had grown to. That look of worry. He tried to interrupt it with another thrust of the tin of chocolate pastries. But to no avail. His own brows knitted at his nose bridge. This was the second heavy, laden conversation he'd had in less than twelve hours. And he felt so thinly spread, so on edge because of his boss and roommate. He wanted to be a good friend and listen.

"Can, hmm. Can I just say apology accepted? It's sucked but..." He chomped his lip, "I don't really want to talk about it until I have it growling in my face at 0900 hours." He glanced back at his room's door and frowned. "I-I mean I don't want to be between you and Kennedy again. But otherwise... " He glanced up. "You have an um..." he gestured a circle around his head, "A halo."

She nodded, accepting his words at face value. "Thank you," she breathed, and then because it felt like the right thing to do, she wrapped her arms around him in a tight quick hug. It was brief, but in that moment everything felt more ok than it had in more than a week. When she pulled away she peered into the tin selecting two piroulines and fishing them out before making a beeline for the replicator. "You won't be between us again," she said over her shoulder as she went. "I need coffee. Want anything?"

"Orange juice please," Noah's voice cracked slightly. "No! Um. Tomato Juice. Nnno... not that either." He chewed his lip. "Chocolate milk." His fingers snapped and he pointed at the replicator. Noah meanwhile sat down and folded his arms over his chest.

"Anyway, Kennedy has agreed that he can't..." She waved her hand searching for the right word and failing, "be like that about our friendship."

Noah cautiously nodded his head. "Uhh... g-good. He told me he was... um, having nightmares. He's freaking out um..." Noah shivered and rubbed up and down his arms. "He's never lived alone. It's weirding him out." Noah stood up and went to the garment replicator. "Standard medium weight undershirt, navy." When it materialized, he threaded it on his arms first, then popped his head through.

While Noah retrieved a shirt, Iry had moved to the table setting the chocolate milk and her cup of coffee down before pulling out one of the chairs. She settled in it, appreciating the familiarity of Noah's movements about the space as he spoke. She nodded confirmation to what he had shared in a slightly exaggerated fashion as she swallowed her first sip of coffee quickly so she could respond. "Yeah." Her brain drifted back to a few nights prior waking up to one of his night terrors and trying her best to care and calm. It had frightened her in its own right, but at that moment what had mattered most was helping Kennedy calm down and get back to sleep.

She debated telling Noah about it, but shifted slightly to his later point. "Yeah," she said quietly again as if she needed to punctuate her comment. "He's asked me to move in. Said he thinks he needs that." Her expression was almost uncomfortable as she said it. "I've been spending nights with him a bit." She opened her mouth to add a but to the sentence but then closed it, sipping at her coffee instead.

Noah finished rolling his shirt down his torso. "He told me the same thing." His face quirked in conflict. "I-I think I said something about that's not usually how people end arguments. But now that it's a day away i-I don't think I should have. It's not my, um, my business how you two are together." Noah dropped back into the seat. "Is he nice to sleep with?" He asked, resting his elbow on the back of the couch and his cheek on the curl of his knuckles.

Irynya cocked her head slightly, twisting to face Noah where he sat. "Mostly, yes," she said. "I'm a very... touchy... person if you haven't noticed," she said gesturing broadly at herself before breaking into a sort of wry chuckle. Of course, Noah knew that. "It's always felt natural for me to give and receive affection that way, so in that sense yes. He's nice to sleep with. The night terrors are a bit difficult though."

Noah smiled into a cheek as if to quietly and politely say, No shit. But then his gaze dropped. He'd been having nightmares lately too.

She sipped her coffee again retrieving one of the two piroulines she'd selected and dunking the end of it in her drink. She stirred for a half-second then pulled it out and popped the soggy bit in her mouth biting it off and chewing thoughtfully. "I don't know about your conversation with Kennedy, but I do want to know what you think. About the moving-in thing. As my friend," she finished quietly.

Noah hesitated with a dart of his eyes. "Ju-just a second." He took a deep drink of his chocolate milk- milk mustache and all- which he swiped away. "Um." His brows knit. His forehead creased. His mouth twitched in thought, puckering into an off-center and plump knot of lips. "Don't people uh, move in together after months? Maybe a year? I-I mean nothing forced him to change quarters. He could because he's a Chief now. But it's..." he sighed and drew his finger in figure eights on the top of the couch. "It's not like anyone frogmarched him into it."

Noah narrowed his eyes. "Frogmarched? Is that the word? S-suddenly I'm not... sure. Frogmarched. That doesn't sound right." He twitched up his hands. "S-sorry. Um. I guess it's... if it were me it would be too soon. But I'm..." He tilted his mouth to the side. "I'm not you. I mean I'm... I'm OK with having my own space. And... and all the whatevers that come with it."

The first of the piroulines, dipped in coffee, had been consumed as Noah spoke. The Risian picked the second up and held it between her thumb and forefinger. Her lips pressed together slightly as she tried to formulate her response into something that didn't sound ridiculous. "I value your opinion," she finally said, "and your friendship. I haven't expressed that well in the last week, but it's true nonetheless." Her eyes fell to her cup. "It does feel too soon," she said softly, "but I don't... I don't know how to explain that without making him think that I'm somehow choosing something or someone else over him. It's not... it's not black and white like that."

"So..." Noah thinned his lips. "OK so... if-if he doesn't want to feel alone, invite him to come back here. That way, you don't have to move in, but he knows he's... he's you know, still wanted?"

"I should clear that with Sheldon first," she said, but the idea had held and her tone was thoughtful. "Or do you mean invite him back here to... like... to live?" So much about the living arrangements on the ship was unclear to her. It was not as though there were lots of options on a Rhode Island class ship. She wasn't even sure that moving in with Kennedy would be considered an option since the space was shared by the chief science officer who, as far as she could think, must surely also have a say. If they spent more time in her quarters, though, he'd see her and Noah interacting more frequently and maybe that would...

Her eyes darted up then, furtive while embarrassment washed over her face. "Do you know what he thought... about the kissing? He thought that because he and I hadn't... because he wasn't..." she trailed off, making a pained face as she did. "He thought I was coming to you for... that... because he hadn't... met that... need."

It was rare that Irynya blushed. Rarer still that she was openly embarrassed. Now, though, both were on full display.

Noah shook his head, "No, no he didn't mention the kissing, I don't think." His head craned and he briefly double-chinned with a confused look. "I mean I understand why some kinds of kissing other people would be weird to him." He shook his head. "That's. Just Humans. That's how we think sometimes. It's a... inadequacy thing." he said with a shrug. "That doesn't mean it's uh right." Noah finished his drink, set it aside and picked up a wafer candy. "I get the feeling that Humans are a lot more..." He struggled for an adjective. "Uh, shy? Restrained?"

Head bobbing slightly, Irynya agreed. "Something like that," she said trying to be careful of how she characterized Humans. "It's... very... constraining," she added before popping the remaining pirouline in her mouth and chewing. She swallowed quickly washing it down with the rest of her coffee before standing and coming to join Noah on the couch. She sat close, but with more space still than normal while it occurred to her that she might know what Kennedy had agreed to, but no longer knew what Noah would.

Noah gave her a nod somewhere between sympathy and acceptance. "We're complicated," he said. He leaned his head back on his knuckles. "He'll loosen up. Umm well. Probably. Once it becomes something he's used to seeing." He grimaced his wide mouth. "But Kennedy is tight even for-for many Humans. Religion isn't very common in our world anymore." He grinned and nudged her knee with a toe. "You-you sure know how to pick them."

She glanced down at her knee where he'd nudged her and shifted her leg in a somewhat ungainly flailing motion to nudge his toe back with her knee. "Apparently," she answered, a complicated set of emotions twining to make her sound less amused than she had intended. Head twisting she eyed the space between them, hesitating. "Would it be ok if I..." she began the question, but trailed off instead gesturing at the space with her free hand. "I mean... if it's ok with you."

Noah hadn't been aware of the spatial ambiguity in Irynya's thought. "Oh uh, yeah. Go ahead." He confirmed.

She grinned, shifting over until their legs were touching where they sat next to each other. "Just... making sure of your lines in my head," she explained with a half apologetic shrug. "I've already completely misunderstood one human. I'd rather not make the same mistake twice." She sighed then, tilting her head slightly until it leaned against Noah's shoulder. She held there for only a moment though before straightening and turning to look at him.

Noah simply nodded. Things were complicated.

"How is flight training with Timmoz going?" she asked, expression open and tone curious. She'd heard Timmoz's account of how it was going but wanted to hear from Noah.

Noah's mouth skewed uncomfortably enough that he got up. "Not very well," Noah said over his shoulder. He went for the replicator. "Bowl of frosted flakes cereal with milk." He ordered. When it appeared he picked it up and sat back down near Irynya. His breakfast was popping and crackling. "I have to ask Lieutenant True to help me with my self-defense and security rotation too. Lieutenant Sovaan kind of started but then..." With a crunchy stab, he plunged his spoon into the food like he was testing it. "Then Klingons." His mouth skewed again. "I'm not a very good flyer."

Watching as Noah stood and crossed the room, Iry found herself chewing the inside of her cheek, the move making her lips shift into a purse. "Self-defense isn't my strongest skill," she commented, "and I don't know Lieutenant True well yet, but I hear she comes from some sort of warrior race, so... she's surely a good choice. And Timmoz is a good pilot," she reassured. "If you're going to learn from someone, he's the best pilot on the ship. Besides that, you don't have to be a good flyer. You just have to pass the test," she reminded him. "Are you still practicing at full speed?" she asked then, remembering the idea she had when they last talked about this.

Noah smiled a grimace down at his chest. "Yes. We've been going, er, piloting slower. The Lieutenant saw the logic in that. I-I'm not saying I'm not getting any better." He puffed his cheeks and then blew out. A reducing crunch and porcelain tap from spoon to bowl broke his tension as Noah considered which flake of sugary grain to eat next. "I just have to pass the test," he agreed. "I feel like I hit an attention window." He tensely chuckled. "Which n-never happens when I'm programming."

He shook his head. "How are things away from Kennedy? How is your," he vaguely gestured at the bathroom. "Is that better? Are you seeing Bracco?"

For a moment Iry debated pushing further on the piloting but thought better of it. She watched as Noah selected his next bite before darting her eyes in the direction of the bathroom. "Mostly better," she acknowledged. "I still have my moments, but I can usually breathe through them. I'm to the as-needed stage with Dr. Bracco which feels like an accomplishment." She made air quotes with her hands as she said as needed.

"And you?" She asked, eyes moving to the door to Noah's room. "With her?" She paused only a beat before adding, "You don't have to say if you don't want to. Just... I am here if you want a friendly ear."

Noah brushed that off with a shake of his head. "I don't want to talk about her," he said strangely definitively for the youth.

The Risian nodded her understanding, looking down at her hands for a long moment at a loss for what to say. She wanted to ask how she could help with the piloting. Or with Margarar. Or anything. But those instincts, she knew, were because she wanted to undo the silence of the last week. To show she wasn't going to do that again. And knowing that meant those things weren't things she should ask. Because they were about her and not him. She sighed and then an idea she hadn't considered before struck.

"Noah," she asked, "In all of your piloting practice you've done has any of it been on near-surface craft? I mean... not coming in from a distance, but like... low atmosphere type stuff?"

Noah looked up from his soggying cereal. "Huh? Like... uh, fixed-wing atmospheric craft? Or ice skimmers?"

She nodded. "Yes, something like that. Really anything that doesn't require atmospheric entry... planet-bound craft."

Noah masticated on that until the cereal in his mouth was little more than milky mush. He swallowed. "N-no, not really. I did a little bit in a Diss-Piss. But it was in a straight line and my Dad was um," he pushed his spoon into his breakfast. "Was right behind me." He ate a bite and said, mouth half-full, "Why?"

The Risian chewed her bottom lip a moment, eyes narrowing a touch. "Well..." she said slowly, thinking through her explanation as she spoke, "I learned to pilot in my family's shuttle. Within the atmosphere," she began. "It... it feels different when you're piloting for real compared to a simulation. My dad was always there to take over the controls, but..." She frowned. "I just wonder if maybe learning to fly something... else... something lower risk... might help. It's the muscle memory that you need to build, not the knowledge. And when the stakes are different... sometimes that helps."

"Enceladus doesn't have an-an atmosphere," he said around another bite of cereal. After a quick dart of his eyes, he zeroed in on what Irynya must have been asking: if he should start in something besides a shuttlecraft. He paused and mulled. "isn't that a little bit like trying to learn to snowboard by skiing?" He asked curiously. He saw the merit in it. But he admitted with a shrug. "I-I mean, maybe. If I had time to. But I don't think I do. Do I?"

She looked back at him, eyes gleaming. "I mean... it's up to you," she said carefully. "I could take over your time with Timmoz. But only if you want that. And only if you think it would help. Or you could ask Timmoz to try this. If you'd rather he be the one whose arms are wrapped around you." She worked hard to school her expression, trying not to giveaway the hopefulness she felt. She had a feeling something like this would be a lot of fun, but it had to be something that he wanted too and not just something she would like.

"Lieutenant Timmoz is..." Noah hesitated. "Distracting. And I feel like I'm taking away from his other du-jobs." Noah admitted. But he also didn't want to strain his friendship with Irynya. He glared at Irynya about the comment about the arms around him, gesturing with a finger and then immediately fidgeting up his tricep. "No," he said while both fighting a precocious smile and trying to be emphatically serious. "When I'm not near him I feel fine. Normal. But if he gets too close there's this... w-weird tunnel vision. Like every muscle relaxes. It's..." he narrowed his eyes. "It's not... being into him. It's this weird... sexual energy... he has. If it's that bad with him, I don't think I ever want to meet an Orion girl who actually uses her chemistry that way."

Irynya was giggling by the time Noah was done explaining the effect Timmoz had on him. "It really can be quite nice," she said as the giggling subsided. "Relaxing." She popped her eyebrows at him nonetheless, unable to help herself. "But until you are really and truly used to it he can definitely be... distracting." She sighed then, amusement coloring her tone as the two approached something closer to their normal banter. "I do get it, though."

"I'm not saying its not nice," Noah insisted. "Just... I-I'd rather lower my own in-inhibitions than have somebody's biochemistry help me do it." He chewed his lip and frumped. His broad mouth turned into a frustratedly wrinkled line. "I never know what to say to him. And-and that's OK. He's a Lieutenant and I'm a cadet." Noah shrugged.

Irynya shook her head, a bemused look on her face, but opted not to needle him further. "What's a Diss-Piss, by the way?" she added instead, tracking back to his earlier comment.

Noah chewed on his lip while he bent to set down his bowl. "Diss Piss? Deep-Sea Personal Submersible? D-S-P-S? Diss-Piss." His black eyes searched. The thought that was fairly common. At least it was on Enceladus.

Irynya's lips rounded into a silent O, a near-perfect copy of the response Noah had given her on numerous occasions. "That sounds fun," she said, grinning. "How did you do?"

Noah replied, "I didn't hit anything. At least. A straight line in an endless ocean. Bu-but it's very different than space. Down there it's like... being a third of a kilometer under Earth's oceans. There's not a lot of gravity but there's hydrostatic, uh, hydrostatic pressure."

Her mind had jumped back to the idea she had earlier and she nodded. "Ok," she said, the word more punctuation than a statement before she turned, meeting his dark eyes directly and holding eye contact. "Ok. Think about it then."

She sat there just a moment longer, studying him, before her face broke into a broad happy grin and, not bothering to even try to act cool about it, she dove across the small distance between them and wrapped her friend in a hug. "I missed you " she murmured.

Noah smiled with his wide, bowed line smile and wrapped his lankiness around her. "Missed you. But everything's fine," he tried to assure.

"It is," Irynya agreed. "It is now."

Noah hugged her again.

A Post By:

Lieutenant JG Irynya
Assistant Chief Flight Controller

&

Midshipman Noah Balsam
Systems Specialist